Things to be Thankful For this Chinese New Year

This Chinese New Year, there is a lot to be thankful for.

More than the fruits, sticky food and long noodles, my family celebrates this day with a positive attitude every year.

I’d like to pause and think of the things to be thankful for in the past and things to hope for in the future.

First, I wake up every morning with a hopeful heart.

Last month the doctor said that I only have a month to live. Now, I’m still alive. I’m having crazy aches all over, most of the time but hey, at least I’m still alive. Some people who had a life deadline lasted for years. Why couldn’t I? So I’m trying to live my life in the best way I could. I’m making the most out of every conversation, every single day of my life.

Second, I realized that the story of my life have inspired a lot of people in the past and I’d like to inspire more people.

Coaching is a big part of my profession. I have always been invited to share snippets of my life to serve as an inspiration to the younger generation. I have to live longer to inspire more people. I was praised, valued and loved by the people whom I’ve inspired over the years but I was trashed by the woman I love. Then I realized that this is all about the lessons that we learn from every heartache, every pain, every fall. What inspires them is how do I rise up and move forward. I refuse to forget her or everything we had because she reminds me of how I managed to survive in this tough times like this. Too bad pain killers don’t cover heartaches but they as the saying goes, the way we think is our most effective drug.

Third, I opened my heart to trust other people.

I had enough drama when it comes to leaving. Being left alone is my greatest fear because I was left and ignored in most parts in my life. My recent experience in being left alone felt like I’m going through every sad memory about all the people who have left me in the past. However, this paved the way for me to appreciate the people who did not leave me in the middle of my hospitalization and medication. I learned how to trust other people. This may seem to be a gamble but you have to give your trust, to be able to be allow yourself to love again.

Everyday is still a painful day. Headache. Tummy ache. Knee ache. They are all aching just the same but these bring me more reasons to carry on.

Loneliness may steal me away sometimes but I choose to be happy.

YES, This is for YOU!

Today, I’m inspired to write. Put my thoughts into writing because I want to share this with the people who have hurt so badly but have chosen to move on. This is for the people who are brave enough to say that they will move forward but found themselves stuck. This is for the people who are waiting for the text message/reply that never arrived. This is for the people who are tempted to call someone in their past but have chosen to be mature and keep on living at the moment. This is for the people who laugh hard with their friends during day time and cry alone during night time. This is for the people who wants to be with someone new to get their minds off with their past. This is for the people who still believe in love after all the heartaches. This is for the people who have never been in love and longing to be in a relationship. This is for the people whose hearts are repeatedly broken but still choose to love again.

Yes, this is for you.

In love:

I learned to be patient. I realized that I can not always get what I want.

I have always been aggressive this since high school. I have always known what i want, I was doing everything to get what I want and I always get what I want. I have always set up myself to win and I always do.

Failure is not an option for me so when I had a recent break-up, it was the first time I felt I failed. It was hard. Crying was an everyday thing and though I hate to feel lonely, there was no other choice but to deal with it. But eventually, I learned to accept the fact that she has already left. She left because she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I have always been a positive person but after a month of crying, I finally decided to let go.

I never wanted to let go but I found the strength to do it because I have to do it for myself. But one thing’s for sure, I gave up not because I’m weak but because most times it’s better just to let go.

I learned to focus on the things that matter. I realized that not all the things that I want will bring me contentment.

Now, I have set my priorities. My self is the base of my pyramid. My foundation must be strong to keep up with all my priorities. My family comes next. No matter what, they would never leave me. My future significant other, follows then my work. I have always wanted everything and tend to forget that I am not a superhero and I can never save the world if I keep in juggling several things in a fast pace. I realized that I have to focus on the things that matter.

Since I got hospitalized, I always make sure that I will always be available for her because I think this matters. What matters to me does not mean that it also matters to other people. So I need to be careful and prioritize what really matters to me. This means setting my priorities correctly.

With this, I also realized that having a complete family, good job, an understanding girlfriend will not guarantee happiness and this does not give me contentment either.

I learned to appreciate little things and be contented with what I have. I realized that money does not guarantee happiness. 

Literally doing nothing makes me feel less of a person but at the same time, I began to appreciate all the small things other people do for me. I appreciate it when my mom brings me food everyday. I appreciate my nurse when he help me change my clothes and fix my bed. I appreciate my siblings when they try to stay in my room just to talk. I appreciate my friends when they make an effort to check on me. I appreciate the good morning, eat your food and good night messages from the people who show me that they care. I appreciate cable TV, without it, my life would be staring at the ceiling. I appreciate my data connection for creating connection to the outside world. I appreciate my watch because it helps me create excitement as I wait for them to come home. I appreciate every little thing in this small room of mine.

I periodically miss the past but I’m also excited for the future. 

I’m excited with what the future holds. My stomach ache bothers me everyday but I’m being positive that I will recover and start another chapter in my life.

My Everyday Stuff

Thank God I’ve been taking these solids for about 2 weeks already. I’m glad that everything turns out to be okay. Though this stomach ache is killing me every minute of the day.

My doctor is not the most positive type of person and speaks the scary death most of the time, but I’m being positive for myself. I eat as much as I could and drink my medicines on time. I’m trying to gather all the strength that I need to proceed in this crazy life.

Today is a normal day, all of them went to the office and to school. No one to talk to. Say good morning to. No cellphone. No one.  But there is no reason to be lonely because this too shall pass.

Struggle from Within

Today I woke up feeling terribly sad. My head is exploding.

It felt like I’m in an isolation camp and my only connection to the outside world is this blog and my twitter account and my email.

Without Facebook and cellphone, no one seems to remember. But it’s okay.

I’m keeping myself busy serving as a consultant to an event and reading books.

I don’t want to hear love songs or watch love themed movies or read love stories.

I want to let go but my heart seems to beat at a same pace. I miss her so much. I love her so much.

I love you so much, Edith Fernandez.

Number 13

They say number 13 is bad luck. Today, I want to prove that 13 could be start of something new.

Last Monday, I have undergone a minor surgery. I woke up, feeling groggy, asked my brother, who remembered me (called my number, texted me, asked about me). He told me no one.

He posed a challenge to me. Since no one remembered you, don’t dare to start a conversation to any of the people you think of or miss.

So i agreed.

Tuesday came, I was still feeling weak, asked the same thing to my brother. He said no one. I looked at my cellphone and saw nothing. Not even a single text I expect from the people I wanted to receive text from. There were several text message coming from a new number but looking for a different person and the other text is promotional text from the network.

So I took it as a sign.

I was having a hard time letting go of the past. I have to start now. Today.

I realized that this is the first step. Last week, I deactivated by Facebook account. But this is not enough. I have always been in love with my phone number because each digit represents significant moments in my life. I had to snatch this number off from my ex-girlfriend (who is now a very dear friend), at the time when getting a personalized number needed credentials and is expensive (well, that was 10 years ago, when I was still in college).

I’m letting go of this number today. Including all the numbers saved in this sim.

Today, on the 13th day of January, I’m letting go of my past, even if it is crazy hard.

Gotta gain weight!